What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 03:41
She found it foreign!.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He knew the spot.
I write beautiful poetry .
It was going to be , some day.
What should a young woman do to control sagging breasts?
Who then, do I blame.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What are the 10 things you regret doing in your life?
I was scared of men, in general
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was 9 years of age.
Why is my crush beautiful to me but not to others?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What did i know ?
Why am I so jealous towards couples? Why am I tired of being single and feel my life is over?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Put me off passion for life!!
How long would you let a homeless friend stay at your house?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I will be 64.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I think the readers, may guess!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im still living with it.
We were not on the streets..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We all went to grammer schools
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I said to her
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I don,t even have a pension.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ive learnt so much.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
All the time i was locked up.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Would this be the day?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When she asked me how she looked .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I have no regrets .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Especially a lifetime of it.
She married twice! .
I was very sick at this time too.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I waited trembling.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was in good health!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it wasn’t much.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why did i forgive my father ?
Was to survive, this bastard.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But, we were locked up after school.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So, i spoilt her more .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot live in the past .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She loved him until the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was seconnd youngest,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i lived it daily.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My life is so biszare .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)